Moments in hospital

Listening to the newborn cryings in the hospital ward, I wondered when is my turn. The weeks move so slowly with bed rest.

I know there are harder pregnancy than mine. But after 5 hospital admissions, I’m mentally and financially drained. In the 1st trimester, I have food poisoning and some bad coughing over two months that resulted in bleeding. Now in my 3rd trimester, more haemorrhage episodes with placenta previa (PP).

Even when I’m confined to the activities on the bed, there are still episodes that I can’t avoid. Apparently I can’t even talk with too much strength, the diaphragm would add pressure to the uterus resulting in bleeds. Obviously it’s not fun when you are not even allowed trips to the bathroom. Any big movement might triggered major haemorrhage that could require blood transfusion. And I’m not exactly the most gentle person on this planet. I woke up in pool of blood in more than two occasions. I’ve admitted it freaked me out to see so much blood. I even wondered where they come from. After each haemorrhage episodes, I become weak and could barely get up for the rest of the day. I guess that’s why my previous gynae wanted me to live in the hospital until he takes out the baby to prevent major haemorrhage that might endanger our lives. The thought of this preterm baby living in an incubator pains me. I seek for a 2nd opinion and end up changing doctors.

Now I live my days in the hospital reading emails and listening to some of the delivery conversations that goes on in the 4 bedder ward. My next neighbour is complaining how this delivery took her 4 hours instead of 2 hours to push because the baby is 3.3 kg, bigger than her last one. And I listened with envy.

Happy times is when Samuel comes to visit. He sits on my bed and asked me to read a book or happily share the hospital meals. Occasionally he run out of the ward to check out the newborns in the nursery and tells me he saw the cutest one. When I asked what about the rest, he explained the rest are ‘little’ cute. (haha! he haven’t figured out the different adjective forms) I’m glad he seems to like babies. When he overheard our convo that the baby is coming, he exclaimed Yay! Hopefully his enthusiasm would stay when the baby is out.

i’ve been feeling guilty for not being able to spend time with him but he seems to understand why I need to be on bed rest. He asked if he could look after me like a doctor. Suddenly I feel he grew and became more sensible. And every time when he is leaving, he gave me a sad face and tells me he missed me and love me. My boy is clearly more sensitive than I thought. I’m sure one day when I look back, I’d miss these endearing moments with my son.

Do you know I love you?

I sneaked out while Sam is sleeping today. It was nice to walk the street by myself, watching the christmas lights while having a yogurt. I missed these times. With a kid in hand, you can forget about peace and you are particularly in battle mood at all times. Every attempt to duck the christmas crowd is a challenge.

My phone started vibrating. That’s when I noticed 3 missed calls and a recorded message on whatsapp. The recording was from Samuel (via my mum).

“Mummy! Where are you! Mummy! Where are you!”, he chants. Uh oh! I forgot to inform the ‘boss’ the I’m going out tonight. I thought to myself while making the return call. My mum picked up, couple of knocking sounds and I hear baby talk. Samuel has been in and out of this ‘i’m a baby’ mood, he gabbled on with “Mama mimi Mama mimi..”. I told him since I’m not able to understand him, I’m going to hang on.

“Mama, do you know I love you very much. Very, very, very, very much…”. I went all mushy, mooshy. I responded with a weak ok. And he continued to chant. So I explained that I will be home soon. He refused to hang up. Finally I acknowledged him by saying that mummy loves him too. That’s when the happy boy finally sweetly said, “ok, bye..”